August 8, 2013
Goodbye, Stranger.
I was never a stranger to saying goodbye. Perhaps one day I might hate myself for giving up before it has even begun. But in all seriousness, I never believed it could happen. You built your wall of ice too high. I am afraid of heights. I am more afraid of the fall. So instead of climbing... I choose everything else over you.
December 20, 2012
The Things That Matter
The scariest thing is to lose direction, to forget who you are. Stand firm on your feet and press deep into the ground. If you stumble, the catch yourself. Never expect someone else to do it. The world is never forgiving to those who take their opportunities for granted. Nor does it reward those who stand by and wait for things to happen to them.
The world can only disappoint you as much as you will let it.
People can only break your heart as much as you will let them get away with.
Things can only hurt you as much as you are able to let go.
Memories can only haunt you as much as you are able to forget.
Emotions can only control you as much as you are able to overcome them.
* * *
People can only break your heart as much as you will let them get away with.
Things can only hurt you as much as you are able to let go.
Memories can only haunt you as much as you are able to forget.
Emotions can only control you as much as you are able to overcome them.
December 19, 2012
The Fall
In his eyes, she saw a glimpse of hope. The kind of hope that she had never dared to imagine before. She saw a future...something that seemed so impossible, so far away, so out of reach. Yet when she saw him, it was right there. Everything was within her grasp. She felt that for once there might be something worth fighting for once more.
But with just one simple blow, it hit her. She had not even seen it coming. It was like standing at the edge of a cliff on a calm, beautiful sunny day and out of nowhere, a tornado began to form. It knocked her off the edge without any warning. She fell without even knowing the reason. When she finally realised what had happened, she wished she had died from the fall. Yet, here she was, paralysed, unable to move, stranded, in pain - oh in so much agony - at the bottom of the pit. She was all alone...bleeding. If only she had bled to death, but no, life was never that easy...
But with just one simple blow, it hit her. She had not even seen it coming. It was like standing at the edge of a cliff on a calm, beautiful sunny day and out of nowhere, a tornado began to form. It knocked her off the edge without any warning. She fell without even knowing the reason. When she finally realised what had happened, she wished she had died from the fall. Yet, here she was, paralysed, unable to move, stranded, in pain - oh in so much agony - at the bottom of the pit. She was all alone...bleeding. If only she had bled to death, but no, life was never that easy...
November 7, 2012
Storms
The middle. The core. The converging point.
Stand there too long and everything becomes blurred. The eye of a tornado...the centre of a twister. The heat is strong and everything around is slipping...melting... disintegrating. Why are there so many sides to the polygon? Which edge is real? Which vertex truly exists? Which surface is solid ground? Holding on is impossible. Detecting patterns is useless. Filtering the noise is painful.
There must be a way to disengage, to regroup, to regenerate.
Inner peace is hard to come by. Will I find the serenity?
Stand there too long and everything becomes blurred. The eye of a tornado...the centre of a twister. The heat is strong and everything around is slipping...melting... disintegrating. Why are there so many sides to the polygon? Which edge is real? Which vertex truly exists? Which surface is solid ground? Holding on is impossible. Detecting patterns is useless. Filtering the noise is painful.
There must be a way to disengage, to regroup, to regenerate.
Inner peace is hard to come by. Will I find the serenity?
October 26, 2012
Retake Part 1
"I'm fine, Hae. See? Barely a scratch. Stop fussing. I'm already late for this meeting."
"That is not a scratch. Let me take a look at it. It'll only take a few minutes. I‘ll spray some disinfectant on it, wrap it up and we’ll have a peace of mind."
“You’ll have a peace of mind,” Sadie said under her breath. She didn’t want hurt Hae’s feelings but sometimes he can be so overbearing.
As the duo argued over Sadie’s wound, Jon sat in the meeting room. It was bare, brown and basic. The fanciest thing in the room was the Build Abroad brochure in his hands, the one that Rex had given him as they waited for the lead volunteer to arrive for their meeting. Rex had hurried out of the room the moment Jon’s butt had touched his chair, muttering about how something bad always happened when she was late. Rex didn’t look worried, just annoyed. Jon assumed that this lead volunteer had a knack for creating trouble. He was about to flip the brochure open when the two voices spoke again.
“Hae, I mean it. This is an important meeting. It’s all Kayi talks about. I want to do it right. He hasn’t got much time. I haven’t got much time. I don’t want to disappoint him after what happened up in the Hills. I promised I‘d get the legal rep to be a little more, well, collaborative.”
“That little boy smiles up at you and you forget how hard it is to change anything around here. You want to know what I think? That old guy was a douchebag. You think it’d be any different for, what, the fiftieth time around?”
Sadie studied Hae’s face with amusement. He was two years her senior but conversed like a twelve-year-old. The man might be brilliant with a scalpel but Sadie was positive that his language was not what got him through med school. “It’s only our fourth meeting. Besides, they’re sending someone new this time. He’s supposed to be younger, around our age. Maybe he’ll have a fresh perspective. He might even like some of my ideas.” She noticed that Hae was not convinced, so she added, “I promise, I‘ll let you bandage up my arm after.”
The female voice that passed through the doorway from a distance caught Jon's attention. He had always been good with voices, especially female ones. Straining to hear better, he looked up from the black and white brochure and closed his eyes. The voice was not familiar but it was one that he had heard before. He could not quite pin a face to it. The conversation continued between Hae and the girl and their voices became louder and more distinct. Their footsteps were making their way down the hallway towards the meeting room. In sync with the rhythm of their steps, Jon's memory clicked and began to narrow down the voice, screening it to match the list of girls he had met in the past, one by one. Several faces surfaced in his mind like the ill-sequenced PowerPoint presentations he had seen so many of for the past few days. Finally a face settled in his mind like the dust on the wobbly, rusty table in front of him: little specks of light and dark dots forming a blurry contour.
Jon scarcely had any real memory of her. All he could clearly picture was her smile - she was real pretty when she laughed - and her name: Sadie. He recalled thinking the name too old-fashioned. A long time ago, he had met Sadie through Max (Jon’s best friend) and Chloe (Max’s now ex-girlfriend) when he had re-visited his hometown after quitting his first paid job. They had hung out one night, amongst friends and friends of friends, at a soju lounge somewhere on Main Street. He thought she was cute but too reserved and awkward. The night did not amount to anything and they never saw each other again. Wrong girl, Jon concluded. She went to a boarding school for Christ’s sake. The girl barely added up to a hundred pounds. What the hell would she be doing in the middle of Ghana? Girls like Sadie blossomed in vibrant, metropolitan cities with their short, edgy haircuts and sun-blocked faces but did not stand a chance in a village like Akropong, where hot water and a roof were considered fancy luxuries.
Yet there she was, standing right in front of him, as cute as ever. Jon immediately recognized her. The edgy, self-indulging short layers were gone, now replaced by flowing tresses of black, velvety hair that ran past her shoulders towards her waist. Her visage was deeply tanned but the darkness made her features more distinguished. She was still barely a hundred pounds (to this, Jon silently smiled) but it was a woman who now stood before him, not a girl. A remarkable-looking woman at that. Somehow, over the past six years (Jon made a quick mental calculation), she had transformed her social awkwardness into an effortless ease in manners. There was no trace of the childish energy that she had possessed before, no sign of the privileged life she had led for the first two decades or so of her life.
She remained standing by the door, having yet to notice Jon’s presence in the room, as she continued her argument with a blond Asian man whom Jon assumed was Hae. Jon gave Hae a once-over and instantly disliked the man. Hae’s feelings for Sadie were blatant as he ogled at her like a pubescent school boy, hanging onto her every word. Jon re-focused his attention on Sadie, who was dressed in a grey wifebeater and a pair of khaki green shorts and was covered mostly in grime and dirt upon closer inspection. To his surprise, Jon found the mud and paint stains quite attractive on her. He had moved on and was studying her mannerisms when Rex barged into the meeting room once more, interrupting Jon’s train of thought. Quickly, Jon looked away and stared into the brochure in front of him. He could not remember flipping open the pages but there she was, smiling at him, a 2x2 photo of Sadie in the centrefold, next to a paragraph introducing her as the lead volunteer of the project.
After sorting out some papers on the table, Rex finally spoke, “Allow me to make some introductions.”
Jon stood up and prepared to shake hands with Sadie and Hae.
“Jon!” Sadie blurted.
It was all Sadie managed to utter and she was not even sure Jon had heard her call his name. It was more of a weak whisper. Sadie froze in her spot, speechless. She was almost sure it was a hallucination until Hae leaned forward to greet the newcomer. At once, her mind flew to a hundred places and yet it was impossible to formulate a single, coherent thought.
“What the hell are you doing here?” Sadie suddenly interjected, as the men shook hands. It was an accusation, words she had instantly regretted the moment she had spoken them. One look at Jon left her defenceless and faint. In a split second, Sadie reverted to the old self that she had tried hard to break free from for the past six years: presumptuous, impulsive, rude and frequently inappropriate.
What did I just do? Six years of work, right down the drain. I am not ready for this. I’m supposed to be better than this. I have changed; this isn’t who I am.
Crap, I have paint on my face.
I smell terrible.
I look terrible.
Jon looks clean.
Gorgeous actually.
More handsome than before.
And clean-shaven, which is important. And just really, damn cute. And that smile. Those lips.
Shit, am I staring? I am so staring. Look away, now! Why is he smiling? He remembers me. Does he remember that night too? Oh God, wait, he probably doesn’t remember me and I’m assuming that he did! This is so awkward! Someone say something! Why is he stepping towards me? Don’t come any closer! I can’t do this…not now…I can’t breathe…why is he here…I can’t…Don’t…you…dare…
No one saw it coming but that was how Sadie Mathis collapsed into Jon Beranger’s arms for the second time in her life.
"That is not a scratch. Let me take a look at it. It'll only take a few minutes. I‘ll spray some disinfectant on it, wrap it up and we’ll have a peace of mind."
“You’ll have a peace of mind,” Sadie said under her breath. She didn’t want hurt Hae’s feelings but sometimes he can be so overbearing.
As the duo argued over Sadie’s wound, Jon sat in the meeting room. It was bare, brown and basic. The fanciest thing in the room was the Build Abroad brochure in his hands, the one that Rex had given him as they waited for the lead volunteer to arrive for their meeting. Rex had hurried out of the room the moment Jon’s butt had touched his chair, muttering about how something bad always happened when she was late. Rex didn’t look worried, just annoyed. Jon assumed that this lead volunteer had a knack for creating trouble. He was about to flip the brochure open when the two voices spoke again.
“Hae, I mean it. This is an important meeting. It’s all Kayi talks about. I want to do it right. He hasn’t got much time. I haven’t got much time. I don’t want to disappoint him after what happened up in the Hills. I promised I‘d get the legal rep to be a little more, well, collaborative.”
“That little boy smiles up at you and you forget how hard it is to change anything around here. You want to know what I think? That old guy was a douchebag. You think it’d be any different for, what, the fiftieth time around?”
Sadie studied Hae’s face with amusement. He was two years her senior but conversed like a twelve-year-old. The man might be brilliant with a scalpel but Sadie was positive that his language was not what got him through med school. “It’s only our fourth meeting. Besides, they’re sending someone new this time. He’s supposed to be younger, around our age. Maybe he’ll have a fresh perspective. He might even like some of my ideas.” She noticed that Hae was not convinced, so she added, “I promise, I‘ll let you bandage up my arm after.”
The female voice that passed through the doorway from a distance caught Jon's attention. He had always been good with voices, especially female ones. Straining to hear better, he looked up from the black and white brochure and closed his eyes. The voice was not familiar but it was one that he had heard before. He could not quite pin a face to it. The conversation continued between Hae and the girl and their voices became louder and more distinct. Their footsteps were making their way down the hallway towards the meeting room. In sync with the rhythm of their steps, Jon's memory clicked and began to narrow down the voice, screening it to match the list of girls he had met in the past, one by one. Several faces surfaced in his mind like the ill-sequenced PowerPoint presentations he had seen so many of for the past few days. Finally a face settled in his mind like the dust on the wobbly, rusty table in front of him: little specks of light and dark dots forming a blurry contour.
Jon scarcely had any real memory of her. All he could clearly picture was her smile - she was real pretty when she laughed - and her name: Sadie. He recalled thinking the name too old-fashioned. A long time ago, he had met Sadie through Max (Jon’s best friend) and Chloe (Max’s now ex-girlfriend) when he had re-visited his hometown after quitting his first paid job. They had hung out one night, amongst friends and friends of friends, at a soju lounge somewhere on Main Street. He thought she was cute but too reserved and awkward. The night did not amount to anything and they never saw each other again. Wrong girl, Jon concluded. She went to a boarding school for Christ’s sake. The girl barely added up to a hundred pounds. What the hell would she be doing in the middle of Ghana? Girls like Sadie blossomed in vibrant, metropolitan cities with their short, edgy haircuts and sun-blocked faces but did not stand a chance in a village like Akropong, where hot water and a roof were considered fancy luxuries.
Yet there she was, standing right in front of him, as cute as ever. Jon immediately recognized her. The edgy, self-indulging short layers were gone, now replaced by flowing tresses of black, velvety hair that ran past her shoulders towards her waist. Her visage was deeply tanned but the darkness made her features more distinguished. She was still barely a hundred pounds (to this, Jon silently smiled) but it was a woman who now stood before him, not a girl. A remarkable-looking woman at that. Somehow, over the past six years (Jon made a quick mental calculation), she had transformed her social awkwardness into an effortless ease in manners. There was no trace of the childish energy that she had possessed before, no sign of the privileged life she had led for the first two decades or so of her life.
She remained standing by the door, having yet to notice Jon’s presence in the room, as she continued her argument with a blond Asian man whom Jon assumed was Hae. Jon gave Hae a once-over and instantly disliked the man. Hae’s feelings for Sadie were blatant as he ogled at her like a pubescent school boy, hanging onto her every word. Jon re-focused his attention on Sadie, who was dressed in a grey wifebeater and a pair of khaki green shorts and was covered mostly in grime and dirt upon closer inspection. To his surprise, Jon found the mud and paint stains quite attractive on her. He had moved on and was studying her mannerisms when Rex barged into the meeting room once more, interrupting Jon’s train of thought. Quickly, Jon looked away and stared into the brochure in front of him. He could not remember flipping open the pages but there she was, smiling at him, a 2x2 photo of Sadie in the centrefold, next to a paragraph introducing her as the lead volunteer of the project.
After sorting out some papers on the table, Rex finally spoke, “Allow me to make some introductions.”
Jon stood up and prepared to shake hands with Sadie and Hae.
“Jon!” Sadie blurted.
It was all Sadie managed to utter and she was not even sure Jon had heard her call his name. It was more of a weak whisper. Sadie froze in her spot, speechless. She was almost sure it was a hallucination until Hae leaned forward to greet the newcomer. At once, her mind flew to a hundred places and yet it was impossible to formulate a single, coherent thought.
“What the hell are you doing here?” Sadie suddenly interjected, as the men shook hands. It was an accusation, words she had instantly regretted the moment she had spoken them. One look at Jon left her defenceless and faint. In a split second, Sadie reverted to the old self that she had tried hard to break free from for the past six years: presumptuous, impulsive, rude and frequently inappropriate.
What did I just do? Six years of work, right down the drain. I am not ready for this. I’m supposed to be better than this. I have changed; this isn’t who I am.
Crap, I have paint on my face.
I smell terrible.
I look terrible.
Jon looks clean.
Gorgeous actually.
More handsome than before.
And clean-shaven, which is important. And just really, damn cute. And that smile. Those lips.
Shit, am I staring? I am so staring. Look away, now! Why is he smiling? He remembers me. Does he remember that night too? Oh God, wait, he probably doesn’t remember me and I’m assuming that he did! This is so awkward! Someone say something! Why is he stepping towards me? Don’t come any closer! I can’t do this…not now…I can’t breathe…why is he here…I can’t…Don’t…you…dare…
No one saw it coming but that was how Sadie Mathis collapsed into Jon Beranger’s arms for the second time in her life.
October 23, 2012
Illusions
When blue isn't blue anymore, what do you do? When red becomes tainted with purple, then green, then brown, it turns pitch black. When you look at yellow after looking at orange, what colour is it? What colour do you want it to be? Ever tried staring at coloured polka dots then looking away at a white wall? Sometimes I see shadows. Other times I see flames. I blink. Once. Then once more. Captures and stills. Blurs and instant replays. Flashbacks. What are they? Definition. Correlations. How do you deduce their meanings?
Why do you still hold on? It is not worth it in the end. There is nothing left. Let go, my friend. Let GO. It will be alright. The blue will come back as blue...if you're lucky.
Why do you still hold on? It is not worth it in the end. There is nothing left. Let go, my friend. Let GO. It will be alright. The blue will come back as blue...if you're lucky.
December 14, 2011
The One You've Left Behind
I walk through door after door, room after room, each dimmer than the one before, and yet, what exactly am I looking for? My memory begins to fade and fail me. I have lost track of time and purpose as I stand here, in this final destination, a pitch-black void, waiting...and waiting for something, someone, to show me the way. There is nothing around me, not a single soul.
'Touch this and you'll die.'
A voice speaks in my mind.
Hey! I see another door but my feet refuse to walk towards it. It's clearly the way out, dammit, and yet the mind refuses to believe. This feeling I have felt before, so long ago. I don't dare to open the door. What is behind the door? Why do I fear it? I hear the others, many voices, even laughter. The rest of the world is behind that door. I used to be on the other side. But now... Just go open it. No. Never.
Wait, who left me here? When did I start walking through all these doors and all these rooms? How did I end up here, alone, abandoned and left to fend for myself? But at least I feel safe here. It's only me. Well, and the darkness. It's just me and darkness. I can deal with the darkness. I like the darkness. I love the darkness.
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